Supporting Loved Ones With BPD

Written By Catie .

Introduction

Supporting a loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be both rewarding and challenging. BPD is a complex mental health condition that affects emotional regulation, relationships, and self-identity, often leading to intense emotional experiences. As someone who cares about someone with BPD, it's easy to feel overwhelmed or unsure about the best way to offer support. However, with the right understanding and tools, you can make a significant positive impact on their journey to managing the disorder.

This guide will explore practical strategies for supporting someone with BPD, including effective communication, crisis management, and self-care for supporters. Additionally, we’ll discuss the importance of professional treatment, such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), and how to encourage your loved one to seek help. Whether you're a family member, friend, or partner, you’ll find that creating a compassionate and supportive environment can lead to positive outcomes for both you and your loved one with BPD.

 

Understanding BPD

Core Features of BPD

  • Emotional Dysregulation

Emotional dysregulation is one of the key symptoms of BPD. People with this disorder often have extreme emotional reactions to situations that might seem minor to others. These intense emotions can lead to sudden mood swings, making it difficult for them to calm down once they’re upset. This symptom is widely recognized as a defining feature of BPD and is believed to result from both genetic factors and environmental experiences, particularly adverse childhood events like trauma or neglect.

  • Fear of Abandonment

Fear of abandonment is another common symptom of BPD. People with this sensitivity often feel deeply affected by rejection or even the possibility of being left alone. This fear can lead to behaviors like clinging to others for reassurance or, on the flip side, ending relationships preemptively to avoid the pain of being abandoned. These actions often stem from their struggle to cope with the intense emotions tied to their fear.

  • Unstable Relationships

Unstable relationships are a common struggle for people with BPD. They often swing between idealizing and devaluing others, viewing relationships in extremes as either "all good" or "all bad." This pattern can cause significant conflict and unpredictability, not only in personal relationships but also in professional ones, making it difficult to maintain stable connections with others.

  • Identity Disturbance

Identity disturbance is a common experience for individuals with BPD. They may frequently shift their values, goals, or even how they see themselves. This constant change in identity can lead to feelings of emptiness and uncertainty, making it hard to figure out their place in life or who they truly are.

  • Impulsivity and Risky Behaviors

Impulsivity and risky behaviors are common in individuals with BPD. They might engage in activities like substance abuse, reckless driving, or overspending as a way to cope with painful emotions or feelings of emptiness. Unfortunately, these actions often lead to negative consequences, which can make their situation even more challenging and create a cycle that's hard to break.

  • Chronic Feelings of Emptiness

Many people with BPD report experiencing chronic feelings of emptiness, often describing it as a persistent inner void. This emptiness can worsen symptoms like depression and may lead to behaviors intended to fill the gap, such as seeking constant reassurance or engaging in impulsive actions. These attempts to cope often provide only temporary relief, making it an ongoing struggle.

  • Self-harm and Suicidal Ideation

Self-harm and suicidal thoughts are unfortunately common among individuals with BPD. Studies have shown that people with BPD face a higher risk of suicide compared to the general population. This underscores the importance of early intervention and consistent support to address these serious issues and help those affected find healthier ways to cope with their emotions.

 

Intersections of Genetic and Environment

  • The development of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is influenced by both genetic and environmental factors.

    • Research suggests that genetic predispositions can make individuals more vulnerable to emotional dysregulation, meaning they may struggle more with controlling intense emotions.

    • At the same time, early adverse childhood experiences, such as abuse or neglect, can exacerbate these genetic vulnerabilities, making it more likely for someone to develop BPD.

    • Neurobiological research has also found that structural and functional changes in certain areas of the brain, particularly those involved in emotion regulation and impulse control, may contribute to the symptoms of BPD.

  • Understanding the complex interactions between genetics and environment in the development of BPD is essential for reducing stigma and fostering empathy. By recognizing how intricate and multifaceted the disorder is, both loved ones and mental health professionals can offer better support, helping individuals with BPD manage their symptoms and work toward stability.

 

Effective Communication Tips

Effective communication is key when interacting with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Here are some tips for communicating in a supportive and constructive way:

  • Use Validation:

It's important to acknowledge and validate the person’s emotions, even if you don’t fully understand them. Saying something like "I get that this feels really overwhelming for you right now" shows that you are empathetic and recognize their emotional experience. This can go a long way in helping them feel heard and less isolated​

  • Practice Active Listening:

Instead of jumping to solutions or trying to "fix" the situation, just listen. Active listening involves being fully present, reflecting their feelings back to them, and making it clear that you’re paying attention. This approach can help the person feel supported and understood, which is really important in moments of emotional intensity​

  • Avoid Dismissive or Triggering Language:

People with BPD can be especially sensitive to criticism or dismissive remarks. Phrases like "You're overreacting" or "It’s not that big of a deal" can make the situation worse. Instead, try to use language that shows you respect their emotions, like, "I can see you're really upset about this"​

Using these communication strategies can make a big difference in helping someone with BPD feel supported and understood. It also helps reduce the chances of escalating an emotional situation and fosters healthier, more stable interactions over time.

 

How to Support without Enabling

Supporting someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be tricky because it's important to provide care without enabling unhealthy behaviors. The key is to strike a balance between being supportive and encouraging healthier coping strategies, while also maintaining boundaries to avoid reinforcing problematic patterns.

Know the difference between support and enabling:

  • Supporting someone with BPD means listening to them, validating their emotions, and offering encouragement. However, enabling happens when you tolerate or even encourage destructive behaviors, like substance abuse or manipulative actions, in an effort to avoid conflict or provide immediate relief. Enabling keeps the person from learning how to handle their own emotions or solve their problems independently.

Encourage them to seek therapy:

  • Encouraging your loved one to engage in therapy, particularly Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), is crucial.

  • DBT is specifically designed to help people with BPD manage emotions, cope with distress, and improve interpersonal skills. If they’re already in therapy, supporting them in staying committed to their treatment plan is key to their long-term progress.

Set clear boundaries:

  • Setting and sticking to boundaries is essential. This could include things like not tolerating harmful behavior, such as self-harm threats or verbal abuse, or not solving problems for them that they are capable of handling.

  • Boundaries show that you respect yourself and your loved one, and they help the person with BPD feel more secure in knowing what is and isn’t acceptable.

Support their independence:

  • It's important to encourage them to take responsibility for their actions and work through their emotions instead of constantly seeking validation or reassurance from others.

  • Supporting their self-sufficiency allows them to build confidence and work toward healthier coping mechanisms (Choosing Therapy, 2024).

 

Building Emotional Resilience

Building emotional resilience is essential, especially when supporting someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). A key part of this is learning and applying skills like distress tolerance and emotional regulation, which help manage intense emotions and stay grounded in moments of crisis. Here are a few helpful strategies:

Distress Tolerance Skills:

Radical Acceptance:

  • This DBT technique involves fully accepting the reality of a situation, even if it’s painful, instead of fighting against it. It's about letting go of the need to control things that are outside of your influence, which can reduce emotional suffering​.

Distraction:

  • When emotions become overwhelming, temporarily shifting focus can be a helpful way to gain perspective. Engaging in activities like reading, taking a walk, or doing something creative can provide relief​.

Improving the Moment:

  • Engage in simple, calming activities that help turn a distressing moment into something more manageable. This can be things like listening to music, deep breathing, or spending time in nature​.

Mindfulness Techniques:

Mindful Breathing:

  • Focusing on your breath helps stay present in the moment, reducing the tendency to become overwhelmed by intense emotions.

Grounding Exercises:

  • These techniques help individuals stay connected to the present, rather than being swept away by negative thoughts or emotions. For instance, focusing on the five senses (sight, sound, touch, taste, smell) can be grounding​. 

Remain Calm and Consistent:

  • Consistency and calmness are key when dealing with emotionally intense situations. By staying steady and emotionally regulated, you can provide a stable environment, which helps the individual with BPD feel safer and more supported​

    Practicing these techniques regularly can help both individuals with BPD and their loved ones build emotional resilience. By using these skills, it becomes easier to handle emotional turbulence and manage crises effectively.

 

Encouraging Treatment and Growth

Supporting a loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) requires a delicate balance of encouragement and setting healthy boundaries. Here are some effective ways to support them without enabling unhealthy behaviors, based on research and clinical recommendations:

Understanding the Difference Between Supporting and Enabling

  • Supportive behaviors encourage growth, self-sufficiency, and responsibility while enabling reinforces negative patterns, like impulsivity or avoidance of necessary change.

  • To avoid enabling, try not to take over their responsibilities or solve their problems for them when they can manage or seek help independently.

Encourage Therapy and Treatment

  • Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is considered one of the most effective treatments for BPD, teaching skills in emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness.

    • Encouraging your loved one to participate in DBT can help them build long-term coping skills.

  • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is another therapy that can help challenge maladaptive thought patterns and reduce symptoms of BPD​.

  • Support groups also play a significant role. These groups provide a safe space where individuals with BPD and their families can share experiences and learn from others facing similar challenges. This sense of community is crucial for emotional well-being​.

Set Healthy Boundaries

  • Setting boundaries is essential to prevent burnout and protect your own mental health. Establish clear limits about what you are willing to do, especially when it comes to managing emotional crises.

  • Stick to these boundaries consistently, as being inconsistent can lead to confusion or feelings of betrayal for your loved one​.

Be Patient and Empathetic

  • BPD symptoms, like intense emotional swings and impulsivity, can be challenging to navigate. However, patience and empathy go a long way in helping someone feel understood and supported.

  • Acknowledge their feelings and show that you are there for them, but also help them recognize the importance of taking responsibility for their actions and emotions.

By understanding the delicate balance between supporting and enabling, encouraging professional help, and maintaining consistent boundaries, you can help your loved one with BPD make meaningful progress in their treatment and emotional growth.

 

Self-Care for Supporters:

Supporting someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be emotionally demanding, and it’s crucial for caregivers and loved ones to take care of their own well-being. When supporting someone with BPD, it’s easy to neglect your own needs, but self-care is vital to prevent burnout and maintain a healthy relationship.

Acknowledge the Emotional Toll

Emotional strain:

  • Supporting someone with BPD can lead to emotional exhaustion, as individuals with BPD often experience intense mood swings, impulsivity, and emotional outbursts. Over time, these emotional demands can be draining for those trying to help them.

  • It’s important to recognize and validate your own emotions as a supporter—feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, or even helpless is common.

Cognitive overload:

  • Constantly managing the emotional ups and downs of someone with BPD can also lead to cognitive burnout. The mental effort required to process emotional crises or maintain stability in interactions can leave supporters feeling mentally fatigued​.

Encourage Therapy or Support Groups

Therapy for supporters:

  • Just as individuals with BPD benefit from therapy, so too can their loved ones. Engaging in therapy can provide emotional support, teach coping mechanisms, and help set healthy boundaries.

  • Therapists can guide supporters in how to respond to emotionally intense situations without enabling harmful behaviors.

Support groups:

  • Joining support groups such as Family Connections, which is specifically designed for families of those with BPD, can provide a sense of community and understanding. These groups allow caregivers to share experiences, gain advice, and learn coping strategies from others who are in similar situations. Such support systems can significantly reduce feelings of isolation and frustration​.

  • Check out my resources page for some references to support groups that you can use. 

Set Aside Time for Personal Wellness and Emotional Recharge

Physical wellness:

  • Regular exercise, maintaining a healthy diet, and getting enough sleep can help replenish energy levels and reduce stress. Physical health is deeply connected to emotional health, and taking time for physical activity can serve as a natural way to alleviate tension and boost your mood​.

Mental wellness:

  • Taking breaks from caregiving, whether through hobbies, meditation, or time spent with friends, is essential for emotional recharge.

  • By prioritizing self-care, supporters can prevent burnout and maintain a clearer, more compassionate perspective when engaging with their loved ones.

Boundaries for emotional health:

  • Setting and respecting boundaries is one of the most important self-care practices. By establishing clear limits on what you’re willing and able to tolerate, you prevent emotional overextension and create space to care for yourself without guilt.

By recognizing the emotional toll, seeking support through therapy or groups, and committing to personal wellness, caregivers can maintain their emotional health and continue to provide supportive care without compromising their own well-being.

 

Crisis Management:

When supporting someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), it is crucial to be prepared for potential crises and respond effectively. Recognizing when a situation escalates into a crisis is key, as well as knowing how to act in those moments to prevent harm or further distress.

Recognizing a Crisis

A crisis could occur when an individual shows signs of extreme emotional distress, such as threats of self-harm, intense emotional outbursts, or thoughts of suicide. It's important to assess whether the person's behavior indicates that they are at immediate risk or unable to cope with their emotions.

When to Call for Professional Help

Sometimes, the situation may be beyond your capacity to manage alone, and it is essential to know when to call for professional support:

  • Call 988

    • The 988 Lifeline provides free, confidential, and 24/7 support for people experiencing a mental health crisis, including those with BPD. This service connects you to trained counselors who can provide immediate assistance and guide you through crisis management​.

    • Check out my resources page to find the link for the 988 Lifeline website.

  • Call 911

    • If you believe someone is in imminent danger of harming themselves or others, or if they require immediate medical intervention, contact 911. It's important to prioritize safety and get help before the situation escalates further.

  • Call a mobile crisis unit

    • A mobile crisis unit is a team of mental health professionals who respond to emergencies in the community, providing immediate support and de-escalation. They help stabilize the situation, connect individuals to resources, and reduce the need for police or hospital intervention.

Creating a Crisis Plan

Collaborating with your loved one to create a crisis plan can be a proactive step in managing BPD symptoms. The plan should include:

  • Emergency Contacts:

    • List of people or professionals to call when the person is in crisis, such as a therapist, a trusted friend, or a helpline.

  • Coping Strategies:

    • Discuss and identify specific strategies that can help them manage their emotions when feeling overwhelmed (e.g., grounding exercises, and breathing techniques).

  • Safety Measures:

    • Outline clear steps to take when suicidal thoughts or self-harm behaviors arise, including when and how to involve others for help.

Having a crisis plan in place ensures that both you and your loved one are better equipped to handle intense emotional episodes without feeling overwhelmed or unprepared. It also emphasizes the importance of accessing professional resources like the 988 Lifeline when necessary.

 

Conclusion:

Supporting someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be really tough, but it's also a process that requires a lot of patience, understanding, and self-care. The journey involves setting healthy boundaries, encouraging therapy, and making sure you're taking care of your own mental health too. While it can be emotionally draining, it’s important to keep in mind that positive change is possible—especially when there’s access to the right resources and support.

BPD is a complex disorder, but with consistent treatment and the right support, individuals can work towards managing their symptoms and improving their relationships. It's vital for caregivers to recognize when things might be escalating and understand when to seek professional help. Knowing how to manage a crisis, as well as when to reach out for support, can make a huge difference.

If you ever feel like you’re getting overwhelmed by the emotional demands of supporting someone with BPD, don't hesitate to seek help for yourself. Whether it’s through therapy, support groups, or crisis lines like the 988 Lifeline, there are resources available to help you. Taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of your loved one, and reaching out for help is a crucial part of that. It’s a tough road, but with the right support, both you and your loved one can work towards healing and stability.

 
 

References

Catie .
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