My Journey with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Introduction

For as long as I can remember, life has felt like a rollercoaster—extreme highs, crushing lows, and moments where I didn’t know if I’d ever feel okay again. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) that things started to make sense.

This journey has been anything but easy. I’ve faced so many battles—some with others, but mostly with myself. Still, along the way, I’ve learned so much about who I am, what I need, and how to find a little peace in the chaos.

I’m writing this to share what it’s really like to live with BPD. Not the textbook definition, but the messy, complicated, and very real experiences of someone who’s in it. Whether you’re dealing with BPD yourself, know someone who is, or just want to understand, I hope my story helps you feel a little less alone.

Understanding BPD

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a complex mental health condition that impacts how people regulate their emotions, manage relationships, and perceive themselves. It’s often characterized by intense emotional swings, feelings of emptiness, impulsive behaviors, and a deep fear of abandonment (American Psychiatric Association, 2022). These symptoms can make daily life feel unpredictable and overwhelming.

For me, living with BPD sometimes feels like experiencing emotions at full volume when everyone else seems to have a mute button. Relationships can feel like a battlefield—fighting between the fear of losing someone and the fear of letting them in too much. This emotional intensity is exhausting, and it often leads to struggles with self-esteem and a sense of identity.

A person with BPD might experience:

  • Mood instability, where emotions shift rapidly and intensely.

  • Impulsive behaviors, like spending sprees, substance use, or risky decisions.

  • Relationship difficulties, often marked by idealizing someone one moment and feeling deeply hurt or angry the next.

  • Chronic feelings of emptiness and not knowing who they really are (Leichsenring et al., 2011).

  • Self-harm or suicidal thoughts, which can emerge as a way to cope with overwhelming emotions.

Misconceptions About BPD

Unfortunately, BPD is one of the most misunderstood mental health disorders. A common misconception is that people with BPD are manipulative or just “seeking attention.” But the truth is, behaviors like self-harm or intense emotional reactions aren’t about manipulation—they’re often cries for help or attempts to manage unbearable pain (Linehan, 1993).

Another harmful stereotype is that people with BPD are “too difficult” to help. This stigma can make it harder for those with BPD to seek treatment, even though therapies like Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) have been shown to be highly effective (Linehan et al., 2006).

It’s also important to remember that people with BPD are not defined by their disorder. We’re capable of meaningful relationships, growth, and even thriving with the right support and tools.

Living with BPD is challenging, but it’s not hopeless. Through therapy, self-awareness, and a lot of work, I’ve come to better understand myself and the patterns that BPD creates in my life. By sharing this, I hope to break down some of the stigma and show that there’s more to BPD—and to those of us living with it—than the misconceptions.

Early Signs and Diagnosis

Growing up, I always felt like something about me was different. I was constantly terrified of losing the people I loved. I remember having intense panic attacks anytime I thought someone I cared about might slip away. It started with my family—I was always afraid something terrible would happen to my parents, and the idea of losing them consumed me. As I got older, that fear shifted to my friends. I’d get close to someone, but as soon as I felt the slightest hint that they might leave, I’d push them away first. At the time, I didn’t realize these behaviors were tied to a disorder. I just thought there was something wrong with me, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t figure out how to fix it.

When I got older, these fears and patterns started to impact my romantic relationships. I’d become attached quickly—too attached—and everything in my life seemed to revolve around the person I was dating. If we argued or they felt distant, I didn’t know how to handle it. My emotions would take over, and I’d react in ways that weren’t healthy. I’d lash out, shut down, or even push them away completely because the fear of being abandoned felt unbearable. It was this constant cycle of wanting love but not knowing how to keep it without self-sabotaging.

When I got to college, things got even harder. My romantic relationships were chaotic, and they spilled over into my friendships. I was going through a particularly troubling relationship, and all the stress and pain I was feeling made me act out toward the people closest to me. I’d push my friends away, snap at them, or isolate myself because I didn’t know how to deal with everything I was feeling. Looking back, I realize how destructive those behaviors were. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, but my fear of losing people and my inability to manage my emotions kept making things worse.

At one point, I became desperate to figure out what was wrong. I started researching the behaviors I was experiencing—why I felt emotions so intensely, why I reacted so strongly, and why I kept pushing people away. Everything I read pointed back to Borderline Personality Disorder. It was almost eerie how much of it described me. I had every single symptom listed, from the intense emotional swings to the fear of abandonment, impulsivity, and struggles with self-image.

As I dug deeper, I also resonated a lot with the potential causes of BPD. Reading about how trauma, invalidation, and sensitivity to emotions could play a role made so much sense to me. It was like someone had written out my life in clinical terms.

I finally decided to bring it up with my psychiatrist. I explained everything I’d been feeling and the research I’d done, and I mentioned that I thought BPD might be the root of my struggles. Thankfully, my psychiatrist took me seriously. We talked through my experiences, and they helped me understand what I was going through and why. Together, we took steps to address my behaviors. I started therapy again, and we even found medications that helped me manage my emotions more effectively. For the first time, I felt like I had a bit of control over my life.

Learning about BPD was a turning point for me. It gave me answers to questions I’d had for years, but it also gave me hope. Knowing what I was dealing with helped me take steps to heal and work toward building healthier relationships—not just with others, but with myself too.

Struggles and Low Points

Looking back on my first relationship, I realize now just how little I understood about love. The ideas of love that I had witnessed growing up were so warped and unhealthy, and I didn’t know how to unlearn those patterns. I carried so much insecurity into the relationship, and instead of dealing with it in a healthy way, I often let it spill over onto my partner. I didn’t know how to control my feelings without lashing out or projecting them onto the person I cared about most. It sounds awful, I know, and if I could go back and take back all the harmful things I did, I would. But I was young, still learning, and unaware of how my emotions were controlling me instead of the other way around.

My second relationship was when everything came crashing down. I experienced infidelity for the first time, and it shattered me. Not only was my trust betrayed, but I was also bullied by the person my partner cheated with, as well as her friends. That time in my life was the absolute lowest I’ve ever felt. I had no idea how to cope. I didn’t have anyone to turn to, and I was drowning in emotions I’d never experienced before. I felt anger, sadness, and heartbreak all at once, and I didn’t know how to handle any of it. My mood would swing wildly—one minute, I’d feel unstoppable, like I could rise above it all, and the next, I was consumed by anger or despair.

I started acting out in ways that didn’t feel like me. I’d lash out at the people around me, make impulsive and reckless decisions, and take risks that only made the situation worse. Deep down, I felt so empty and alone. There were moments when I wanted to give up entirely because I couldn’t see a way out of the pain. It was a dark, confusing time, and I didn’t recognize the person I was becoming.

Turning Points

It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I really started to see how destructive my behaviors had become. I’d hurt so many people I cared about, not because I wanted to, but because I didn’t know how to manage my emotions or communicate what I was feeling in a healthy way. Every time I lost someone important to me, it was like another piece of me broke. But after a while, I realized I couldn’t keep blaming other people for my struggles. I had to take a hard look at myself and how my actions were affecting those around me.

That realization was my wake-up call. I knew I couldn’t keep living like this—pushing people away, lashing out, and letting my emotions control me. If I didn’t make a change, I’d keep losing the relationships that mattered most to me, and I’d never find the peace I was so desperate for. It was a painful truth to accept, but it was also the first step toward something better.

I started by learning to take accountability for my actions. I stopped making excuses for my behavior and began owning up to the ways I’d hurt others, even when it was hard to face. I also started prioritizing therapy, something that I had stopped for a while, but realized that I needed to go back to. I learned tools to manage my emotions, like grounding techniques and mindfulness, and began practicing healthier ways to communicate with others. I also started reflecting on the things I wanted to change about myself—not because someone else told me to, but because I wanted to feel proud of who I was becoming. Little by little, I started to see a shift.

The biggest turning point, though, was learning to have compassion for myself. For so long, I felt like I was broken, like there was something fundamentally wrong with me. But through this process, I’ve started to see that I’m not broken—I’m just human. Learning to forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made and focus on the progress I’ve achieved has been life-changing.

Tools & Strategies That Help

The hardest and most transformative lesson I had to learn was how to be alone. For so long, I relied on others to fill the emptiness I felt inside, and the thought of being by myself was terrifying. But being alone forced me to face who I was, forgive myself for my mistakes, and find peace within. It completely changed me. For the first time, I felt comfortable with myself. I started enjoying things like nature walks, discovering new places, trying out hobbies, and just being present in the moment. Self-care also became a big part of my routine—simple things like sticking to a morning and night routine helped me feel grounded and connected to myself.

Another big shift was learning to rely less on others. After losing many people I cared about, I realized how important it was to stand on my own. I’m so grateful for the few people who stuck by me and forgave me for my past behaviors, but I knew I couldn’t lean on them to fill the void I once tried to escape. Instead, I focused on building a life I could enjoy with or without others, finding joy in the little things and appreciating the moments I spent with people without expecting them to save me.

Learning Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills was also a game changer for me. One of the most impactful skills I developed was pausing before responding to anything. If I was upset or angry, I’d write my thoughts out, reflect on how they might affect the other person, and often decide not to send the message at all. Staying present in the moment helped too. Nature became my sanctuary—feeling the warmth of the sun, lying in the grass, and just taking in the beauty around me made me feel more grateful and connected to life.

Lastly, I made the difficult decision to end destructive relationships. By then, I had learned to recognize red flags and prioritize my own well-being. If someone wasn’t good for me, I didn’t hesitate to let go, even if it hurt. Letting go of toxic relationships opened space for healthier connections and gave me the clarity to focus on myself.

These tools and strategies have been crucial in helping me grow into the person I am today. While it hasn’t been easy, every step has brought me closer to a life where I feel more at peace with myself and the world around me.

Celebrating Progress and Growth

Looking back, I can confidently say that I am so proud of the person I’ve become. I’ve learned how to manage my emotions, control my outbursts, and maintain healthy relationships—things I never thought I’d be capable of. I’ve come so far, and for the first time, I’ve found comfort and strength in myself. I no longer rely on others to fill the void I used to feel, and that independence has been life-changing.

I’ve also been fortunate to find a partner who supports and understands me in ways I never imagined. Their kindness and reassurance remind me every day of how far I’ve come, not just in my relationships but also in my confidence and determination. I’ve gone from someone who felt stuck in self-pity to someone who actively works toward the life I want.

One of the most significant transformations has been discovering my calling in life—therapy. Throughout my struggles, therapy was the one place where I felt truly heard and validated, even when no one else seemed to understand. It gave me the tools I needed to begin healing, and I realized that I wanted to be the person offering that support to others. That’s when I knew therapy was my path. I’m currently pursuing a career in social work, working toward becoming a therapist so I can help those who are struggling like I did. I don’t ever want anyone to feel as alone as I once did, and I’m excited to be learning more every day in my studies and internship.

In my internship, I will be hosting a support group for individuals diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. This is a safe space for people who have had similar experiences to mine, and I want to offer support and understanding through every step of their journey. I want them to know that they are not alone—there are many others facing the same challenges, and together, we can find healing. This group will provide a space where individuals can share their struggles, gain insight, and support each other as they work toward growth and recovery. Being a part of this process feels deeply meaningful to me, as I know firsthand how important it is to feel seen and understood.

If you had told my 19-year-old self that this is where I’d be now, I wouldn’t have believed it. I never thought I’d experience healthy relationships, have confidence in myself, or find my purpose in life. Progress hasn’t been linear—I still have moments where I struggle—but I recognize those behaviors now and make conscious choices to change. I’m incredibly proud of the woman I am today, and I’m excited to keep growing and building the life I’ve worked so hard for.

Advice to Others

The most helpful advice I could give is to never give up on yourself. Even though things might seem overwhelming now, I promise it gets better. I know it can be hard to believe that, especially when you're stuck in the middle of it, but it’s true. If you take small steps every day to work on yourself and become a better version of who you are, you will begin to see the life you’ve always dreamed of.

Healing starts with acknowledging your past mistakes and behaviors. Without that self-awareness, growth is impossible. You have to take the steps to help yourself and heal—it won’t happen on its own. Therapy was one of the most transformative tools in my own journey, and I can’t stress enough how important it is to get help from a professional. A therapist can guide you through the toughest parts of your journey and offer the support and tools you need to move forward.

Remember, healing isn’t linear, and you will face setbacks. That’s okay. Don’t let those setbacks discourage you. Life is all about learning to grow through the ups and downs, and every challenge you face makes you stronger. Trust me, you will come out of it as a better person—you just have to keep pushing through, one step at a time.

It took a lot of courage for me to open up about my own experiences, but I hope that by sharing my journey, it can help even just one person who’s going through something similar. I want you to know that you are not alone—there are others who resonate with your experiences and understand your pain. Your journey is your own, but we are all here to support you along the way. Keep going, because your growth matters, and you have so much strength inside of you.

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed., text revision).

Leichsenring, F., Leibing, E., Kruse, J., New, A. S., & Leweke, F. (2011). Borderline personality disorder. The Lancet, 377(9759), 74-84.

Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.

Linehan, M. M., Armstrong, H. E., Suarez, A., Allmon, D., & Heard, H. L. (2006). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of chronically parasuicidal borderline patients. Archives of General Psychiatry, 50(12), 971-974.

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