Dealing with Grief and Loss During the Holidays
Introduction
The holidays can be really tough when you’re grieving. While everyone else seems focused on joy and celebration, you’re left feeling the weight of who’s missing. Things like family gatherings, holiday traditions, or even just hearing certain songs can bring up emotions you weren’t expecting, and it’s hard to know how to handle it.
I’ve been there too, and I know how isolating it can feel. It’s like the world expects you to be cheerful just because it’s the holidays, but grief doesn’t work that way. In this post, I want to talk honestly about how hard this season can be and share some ways to find moments of comfort and healing, even when it feels like everything around you is moving too fast.
Understand that Grief is Personal
Grief looks different for everyone. There’s no one-size-fits-all way to cope with loss, and there’s definitely no set timeline for when you should start to feel “better.” Some people might find comfort in keeping busy or leaning into holiday traditions, while others might need to step back from all of it completely—and both are okay.
It’s important to remind yourself that where you are in your grief is where you’re meant to be, even if it doesn’t match what others expect or what you think it should look like. If you’re not feeling the holiday spirit, that’s okay too. Giving yourself permission to just be, without judgment, is one of the most compassionate things you can do. Grief is messy and personal, and healing doesn’t come from forcing yourself to fit into someone else’s idea of how you should feel.
The Impact of Holidays on Grief
The holidays have a way of making grief feel even heavier. Traditions that used to bring joy can now feel bittersweet or even painful when someone you love is no longer there to share them with you. The pressure to be happy and “in the spirit” can make it hard to honor what you’re actually feeling, especially when everyone around you seems to be celebrating without a care in the world.
Seeing others enjoy the holidays while you’re carrying the weight of loss can bring up all kinds of emotions—sadness, anger, even guilt for not feeling the same way. You might feel isolated, like you’re on the outside looking in at a season that no longer feels like it belongs to you. But here’s the thing: all of those feelings are normal.
Grief doesn’t follow the rules of the calendar or the expectations of the season. It’s okay if you don’t feel like celebrating, or if certain traditions are too much for you right now. What matters most is being honest with yourself about where you are emotionally and giving yourself the grace to feel whatever comes up. You’re allowed to take the holidays at your own pace, no matter what that looks like.
Setting Realistic Expectations for Yourself
The holidays can feel overwhelming when you’re grieving, especially if you’re trying to keep up with old traditions or meet the expectations of others. But it’s important to remind yourself that you don’t have to do everything—or anything—the way you used to. Grief is exhausting, and it’s okay to adjust your expectations and prioritize what feels right for you. Give yourself permission to grieve without guilt and let go of the pressure to show up in ways that don’t serve your emotional needs right now.
Here are some ways you can modify your holiday plans to make them more manageable:
Skip certain events: If a big family gathering feels like too much, it’s okay to say no.
Cut down on responsibilities: Delegate tasks like cooking, decorating, or gift-wrapping, or skip them altogether if they feel overwhelming.
Focus on quieter celebrations: Light a candle, watch a favorite movie, or spend time reflecting in ways that feel meaningful to you.
Change traditions: Start a new tradition that honors your loved one or adjust old ones to make them feel less painful.
Take breaks: If you do attend events, plan an exit strategy or give yourself permission to leave early.
Practice self-care: Make space for activities that help you recharge, whether it’s journaling, meditating, or simply resting.
Limit social media: Seeing others’ “perfect” holidays can amplify feelings of grief, so it’s okay to step away.
Setting boundaries is key during this time. Be honest with yourself and others about what you’re feeling and what you need. It’s okay to tell people, “I’m not up for that this year,” or “I need to take things slow right now.” The people who care about you will understand, and if they don’t, that’s on them—not you. Prioritizing your well-being isn’t selfish; it’s necessary. Grief is hard enough without adding unnecessary expectations on top of it.
Create New Traditions or Honor Old Ones
Grief can change the way we see the holidays, but that doesn’t mean they can’t hold meaning. Creating new traditions or finding ways to honor old ones can help you navigate this season in a way that feels more aligned with where you are right now. It’s not about forcing yourself to feel a certain way—it’s about finding small ways to keep your loved one’s memory alive or creating space for your own healing.
Here are some ideas for creating new traditions that reflect this stage of your life:
Have a quiet memorial: Set aside time to reflect on your loved one by lighting a candle, looking through photos, or writing them a letter.
Donate in their memory: Choose a cause they cared about or something that feels meaningful to you.
Spend time in nature: Take a walk or visit a place they loved to feel connected to them in a peaceful way.
Dedicate time for yourself: Use the holidays to focus on your own healing through journaling, meditating, or simply resting.
Celebrate differently: Instead of the usual traditions, try something new—like volunteering or spending time with close friends in a relaxed setting.
If you want to honor your loved one within traditional celebrations, here are some meaningful ways to do that:
Cook their favorite dish: Include their favorite recipe as part of your holiday meal.
Share their stories: Take time with family or friends to reminisce and share memories about them.
Set up a memory table: Display photos, keepsakes, or mementos that remind you of them.
Hang a special ornament: Dedicate a part of your decorations to their memory, like a personalized ornament or stocking.
Carry on a tradition they loved: Whether it’s watching their favorite holiday movie or baking their signature cookies, continuing something they enjoyed can feel comforting.
You don’t have to do it all, and there’s no right or wrong way to approach this. Whether you find comfort in creating something new or leaning into old traditions, what matters most is that it feels right for you. It’s okay to experiment and see what resonates—grief is a journey, and your holidays can grow and shift along with it.
Embrace the Support of Others
Grief can feel incredibly isolating, but you don’t have to face it alone. Reaching out to others—whether it’s friends, family, or a support group—can make a huge difference. Sharing your feelings with someone who listens without judgment can bring a sense of relief and connection, even if it doesn’t take away the pain. Sometimes, just knowing someone is there for you is enough to make the weight a little lighter.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s okay to seek professional support. Therapy or counseling can provide a safe space to process your emotions and find strategies to cope with the harder days. Grief isn’t something you have to figure out by yourself, and there’s no shame in asking for help. In fact, it shows strength to recognize when you need a hand to hold or a shoulder to lean on.
Lean on the people who understand you, the ones who can sit with your grief and offer comfort without trying to “fix” things. And if you’re not sure where to start, I’ve compiled a list of resources on my website that might help. Whether you’re looking for online support groups, counseling options, or just need to feel less alone, there’s something there for you.
You don’t have to carry this all by yourself. There’s no rule that says you need to face grief in silence or isolation. Embracing the support of others can remind you that, even in the hardest moments, you’re not alone.
Practice Self-Care During Grief
Taking care of yourself while you’re grieving is so important, even if it feels hard to prioritize. Grief takes a toll on your mind and body, so making time for self-care can help you feel a little more grounded. It’s not about fixing the pain but about giving yourself the tools to cope with it in a healthier way.
Here are some self-care practices that can support your emotional well-being during this time:
Practice mindfulness: Spend a few minutes each day focusing on your breath or being present in the moment to help calm overwhelming emotions.
Journal your feelings: Writing down your thoughts can help you process what you’re going through and provide a safe outlet for your emotions.
Move your body: Even gentle movement, like a walk or yoga, can help release tension and improve your mood.
Get enough rest: Grief is exhausting, so let yourself rest when you need to, even if it means taking a nap or sleeping in.
Nourish yourself: Eating regular, healthy meals and staying hydrated can help support your body during stressful times.
Do something creative: Painting, crafting, or playing music can provide a distraction and a way to express your feelings.
Spend time outdoors: Fresh air and nature can be incredibly soothing and help you feel more connected to the world around you.
Check out my past blogs to find more ways to practice self-care and other mindfulness strategies.
Creating a calming environment at home can also make a big difference. Little rituals or comforting spaces can bring a sense of peace when everything feels overwhelming. Here are some ideas:
Light candles or use soft lighting: Create a warm, soothing atmosphere that feels cozy and inviting.
Surround yourself with comfort items: Keep a blanket, pillow, or even a favorite sweater nearby to help you feel secure.
Play calming music: Soft, gentle tunes or nature sounds can help create a peaceful mood.
Diffuse essential oils: Scents like lavender, eucalyptus, or chamomile can promote relaxation.
Designate a quiet space: Set up a small corner or room where you can retreat to when you need a moment to yourself.
Create a ritual for yourself: Whether it’s making tea, meditating, or reading, having a daily practice can give you a sense of stability.
Remember, self-care isn’t selfish—it’s essential. Grief is a heavy load to carry, and taking small steps to care for yourself can help you manage the weight a little more easily. Give yourself permission to prioritize your needs, even if it’s just for a few moments a day.
Permission to Feel and Be Present
The holidays can bring up a mix of emotions, and it’s important to remind yourself that it’s okay to feel whatever comes up—whether that’s sadness, joy, or something in between. Grief is complicated, and it’s not uncommon to feel moments of happiness even while carrying the weight of loss. Letting yourself experience those emotions without judgment is a crucial part of the healing process.
Try to be present in the moment, even if it’s hard. If you’re feeling sadness, let yourself feel it; if a moment of laughter or joy happens, let yourself have that too. Suppressing your emotions or feeling guilty for them can make things harder. Instead, focus on giving yourself the space to feel and process whatever comes naturally.
Healing doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a journey with no clear timeline, and there’s no right or wrong way to go through it. It’s okay to take the time you need to find peace. Some days might feel heavier than others, and that’s perfectly normal. Allow yourself the grace to move at your own pace, one step at a time.
The holidays don’t have to be about pretending everything is okay. They can be about honoring where you are in your journey, letting yourself feel what you need to feel, and finding small moments of comfort along the way.
Finding Hope for the Future
As hard as it may be right now, it’s important to hold on to the hope that healing is possible, even if it feels distant. The pain of loss doesn’t disappear overnight, but with time, the holidays can transform from a time of deep sadness to a moment of remembrance and peace. It’s a process—one that takes patience and self-compassion—but it’s a journey toward growth and healing.
Though this holiday season may feel difficult, it’s not the end of your story. Future holidays can become a time where you honor your loved one’s memory while also making room for new moments of peace and, eventually, joy. It might take time to get there, but with each year, you’ll find ways to carry their memory in your heart without the same heaviness.
Healing doesn’t mean forgetting; it means learning to live with the loss in a way that doesn’t define you. Over time, you may find that the holidays no longer feel like a season to simply survive, but a time to remember, reflect, and even celebrate the love that still remains. So, even on the hardest days, remember that hope for the future is there—it’s just waiting for you to take it, one step at a time.
Conclusion
As you move through the holiday season, remember that you are not alone in your grief. There are others who understand the weight you’re carrying, and it’s okay to lean on them when you need to. Grief can feel isolating, but reaching out for support—whether it’s through a friend, a family member, or a professional—can help remind you that you’re not facing this journey by yourself.
If you feel comfortable, I invite you to share your experiences or thoughts through the contact page on my website. Sometimes just putting your feelings into words can bring a sense of relief and connection. And if you need more support, our resources page offers tools and guidance that can help you navigate this difficult time.
Take things one day at a time, and be kind to yourself. Healing is a process, and it’s okay to move at your own pace. You are doing the best you can, and that’s enough. I hope you all have an amazing holiday, and remember, you are not alone.
